I would race....

Catharsis- working through an issue and reaching internal homeostasis... Just reached a point where I can finally begin to see clear. My wife prays in hopes of another miracle for her Mom and as I pray for my in-laws for strength and courage that Denise displays daily. Cancer is a nasty disease! As I pray for my cure, I can only add to my prayers a cure for those who suffer from cancer and for my mother-in-law.

As I blogged I found that this senseless exercise his helping me make things clearer. Yet I began wondering what I would do if given a set period to live. How would I spend that time, who would I seek to spend it with, what do I need to resolve? As I sit back, I begin to think of all of my shortcomings and where I need to make amends, what I need to do, and how I need to do it. And realize, that I am working on being a better person, better husband and companion, and a better father. With all that I do (I think I do things adequately), I never seem to satisfy myself with the results and continue reaching for unattainable goals and unrealistic expectations.

I began this season with a singular focus on September, only to find that things aren't that simple. I struggle with the sense of mortality and now know and am beginning to respect. I have begun to realize some dark truths, those things I will never be, what I will never do and conclude- I can only be me? I have begun my pre-race preparation for the annual rite of Spring, the 25th Columbia Tri, my 5th time racing here, and realize that this is part of me, I am a triathlete, When I race I feel alive. I will not win, or even come close to placing in my age group, but I will race. I will race....and I realize if I was given a short time to live, I would race....

I am back...Not that anyone missed me.....

After a long 2 weeks, Denise convinced me to not give up my quest for another Ironman. Her determination and inspration has refuled my fires and my committment to Triabetes and Ironman quest. Her ability to balance her family and our family's demands are extraordinary.

Perspective?

Perspective? When faced with the challenges of diabetes, Ironman training, full time career, family, and such it can be very challenging to remain focused. I have found that through the past 4 years of long course triathlon focus that as volume increases, the static in life can easily overtake my ability to keep things in perspective. Unfortunately, there have been times where I have had difficulty letting go of the distractions and focused to many of my limited resources on resolving the unresolvable. This time it is different. As I pondered dropping out of Ironman to be supportive of my wife and her dealing with the challenges her family faces, I was greeted with , "Are you crazy.." Denise will hear nothing of this and challenges me to remain focused and committed to the task at hand. As I sit here writing, I only wish I could have her perspective, her strength! All too often we can be so self absorbed. However as Iam saying, "I am thinking about dropping out of Ironman to be there for you," my wife steps out of her situation to lend her unconditional support for the insanity of Ironman and my committment to this project. Perspective?

Questions...

Monday, a day off, and I am sitting downstairs and blogging. I was pondering writing about my sudden bs crash trail running yesterday, but decided against it. I have been consumed with many thoughts and questions regarding my birthday and the significance of it blah blah. I am fortunate the company I work for gives us a gift day for birthdays and I took Friday. I found myself riding a challenging bike route pondering a number of questions. As I pedaled, I began thinking about my friend Howard who I reconnected with this summer after 20+ years. I recounted our Fall ride and him talking about how he had to keep himself safe while in the Middle East. Here I was worried about turning 40, while he is in Iraq trying to stay alive, to get back to his wife, to see his son graduate! Thank God for CW3 Howard Pepper. Whether or not we agree with the politics, we do owe a lot to people like him who sacrifice themselves for us. Then I pondered my friend Steve who after 20 years continues to be just a solid, great friend who calls me on my birthday reminding me that I am his elder, by a few months. Then it hit me, my wife Denise is in Boston, along side of her family dealing with some difficult issues and here I was riding my f#@$in bike! In a moment I my mood and outlook on things changed. I got very angry with myself and sad at the same time. I began questioning what is important in life and really haven't got that far. Ironman is what I do not who I am, but it seems to get blurred at times. All that seemed so clear has become even more fuzzy and out of focus. Those that had answers seem to not have any. I was so sure about this September and not so much now. I hope time give me some answers, some clarity, a renewed direction related to triathlon, but I do know I need to be there for her.