Questions...

Monday, a day off, and I am sitting downstairs and blogging. I was pondering writing about my sudden bs crash trail running yesterday, but decided against it. I have been consumed with many thoughts and questions regarding my birthday and the significance of it blah blah. I am fortunate the company I work for gives us a gift day for birthdays and I took Friday. I found myself riding a challenging bike route pondering a number of questions. As I pedaled, I began thinking about my friend Howard who I reconnected with this summer after 20+ years. I recounted our Fall ride and him talking about how he had to keep himself safe while in the Middle East. Here I was worried about turning 40, while he is in Iraq trying to stay alive, to get back to his wife, to see his son graduate! Thank God for CW3 Howard Pepper. Whether or not we agree with the politics, we do owe a lot to people like him who sacrifice themselves for us. Then I pondered my friend Steve who after 20 years continues to be just a solid, great friend who calls me on my birthday reminding me that I am his elder, by a few months. Then it hit me, my wife Denise is in Boston, along side of her family dealing with some difficult issues and here I was riding my f#@$in bike! In a moment I my mood and outlook on things changed. I got very angry with myself and sad at the same time. I began questioning what is important in life and really haven't got that far. Ironman is what I do not who I am, but it seems to get blurred at times. All that seemed so clear has become even more fuzzy and out of focus. Those that had answers seem to not have any. I was so sure about this September and not so much now. I hope time give me some answers, some clarity, a renewed direction related to triathlon, but I do know I need to be there for her.